my rebirth.

I was recently faced with a very hard decision. I had to choose between continuing something that provided me temporary happiness, comfort, pleasure, and security but was not healthy for me, and removing it from my life permanently.  I chose the latter. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made. As I look back on my life, I can see that I generally took the easier route, no matter what its effect on myself or those close to me.  This recent decision that I've made is the start of something incredible in my life. My rebirth. I have a lot of relationships to mend, apologies to make, unhealthy habits to break, and I need to work on my productivity, health, self-esteem, and general well-being.

“When we know how to begin anew we get a lot more energy, joy and aspiration that can help us transform what is negative in us, and help us have more joy, more capacity to transform the situation around us. To be born is a form of beginning anew. And that is why we should be able to be born as a new being at every moment of our lives…..Of course, during [our] lifetime [we] have made some mistakes. Because we are human beings, we cannot avoid making mistakes. We might have caused someone else to suffer, we might have offended our beloved ones, and we feel regret. But it is always possible for us to begin anew, and to transform all these kinds of mistakes. Without making mistakes there is no way to learn...That is why mistakes play a role in our training, in our learning, and we should not get caught in the prison of culpability just because we have made some mistakes in our life…..If you can learn from your mistakes, then you have already transformed the garbage into a flower….."The mind is like a painter." This is the Buddha’s teaching….. The painter can paint anything, and the painter can erase everything. So if in the past you have painted something you don’t like, and if you are determined not to paint it again, then you erase all of that. It depends on your mind, your consciousness. If there is light, there is enlightenment in your consciousness, there is a strong determination, the awareness that "This is something negative, this is something harmful, this something not beneficial, and I am determined not to allow it to happen again," and then the mind is transformed. And when the mind is transformed, liberation is already there for you….There are people who ask how they can survive without a house, a bank account, or this person or that person, but if you have confidence within yourself, wherever you go you can create conditions to be alive, in such a way that you can contribute to the well-being of the world.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

I have a bucket list for the things I want to accomplish in my life. This year will be a big transformation for me in so many ways so I’ve decided to make a bucket list to accomplish in the next 365 days. I think this is so beneficial for everyone so I encourage you to try. Composing it alone is exceptionally therapeutic. So I urge you to write your own. Maybe for the month, the year, the next 5, or the rest of your life.  And I request that whether you know me personally or not, you support me through encouragement or acceptance of my choices. And now, my friends, my bucket list…

• Quit smoking
• Meditate on a regular basis
• Abstain from all sexual activity
• Continue blogging (You’re welcome. Haha…jokes)
• Keep a clean car and home
• Practice Buddhism
• Adopt a dog
• Practice yoga
• Consistently instill the value of self-worth to my daughters
• Fill up my calendar with events, places to visit, things to see, etc.
• Jog on a regular basis
• Volunteer 2 times a month
• Rebuild a relationship with my family
• Lose 30 lbs
• Start and keep up with a savings account
• Contribute to Salvation Army for the things that I need
• Be the best mother that I can be
• Discontinue all of the unhealthy relationships in my life
• Find and hold onto a good job
• Read on a regular basis
• Keep up with what is going on in the news
• Do one exceptionally good deed every week
• Love and respect myself

Your turn!

monte cristo.

Serves 3

Ummm....yum. These puppies are delicious. Not really great for the figure, but a nice little treat indeed.
I combined several Monte Cristo recipes based on my taste bud preferences.
Here's what I came up with...

Ingredients:

BATTER

1 egg
1 cup water
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon sugar
1 1/2 cups flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
vegetable oil (for frying)

SANDWICHES

9 slices white bread
6 slices cooked ham
6 slices cooked turkey
6 slices swiss cheese

FINAL TOUCHES

confectioners sugar
raspberry jam

Directions:

1. Beat egg and water in mixing bowl. Add salt, sugar, flour, and baking powder. Mix em up.

2. Slap down a piece of bread, 2 slices of ham, 1 piece of swiss,
1 piece of bread, 2 slices of turkey, 1 piece of swiss, and a final piece of bread.
Make 3 of these sandwiches and cut each into 4 pieces.

3. Heat oil in pan (about an inch and a half deep).
One by one, coat sandwich in batter and place in oil.
Fry until golden brown (mine took about 30-45 seconds).
Flip to fry other side.
Remove from oil and place on plate with paper towel.

4. Top with confectioners sugar and serve with raspberry jam.

If you make these, PLEASE leave a review on my blog. I would be so so thankful!! And let me know if you changed up the recipe and how because I'd love to try different methods and I will DEFINITELY be making them again.

ENJOY! :)

entomophobia.

Entomophobia noun - a morbid fear of insects

I have the above phobia. Real bad. I am morbidly afraid of  the following: bees, flies, wasps, ants, daddy long legs, any and all types of spiders really, ladybugs, crickets, praying mantises, worms, hornets, leaf bugs, every single insect on this earth that I didn't already mention, and stink bugs.

If you don't already know what a stink bug is, let me educate you. 

Stink bug noun - a broad, shield shaped bug that is typically brightly colored or boldly marked. It emits a foul smell when handled or molested. (their word, not mine)

And they look like this....

They're a relatively new bug. They are suspected to have come from Asia in the late 90's. And they suck. 

They are a stupid breed of insect. They fly right into you, which unfortunately for me, the entomophobic, is a big problem. They have been in my area for a few years now and I've seen some bad cases but what I am enduring now, my friends, is unlike anything I've ever dealt with before. 

I live in a small home in rural VA, surrounded by trees and grass (both of which they happen to dwell in). They are coming in my house by the hundreds. There are literally thousands on the outside of my home. They get in through cracks in windows, doors, vent fans...basically anywhere they can squeeze in. And boy can they squeeze. They turn their wretched little flat bodies sideways, squeeeeeeeze in through the crack, and crawl out the other side....into my home.

A view from the outside of my front door. My only exit.

A Typical Day in my Life

I wake up terrified every morning. Every. Single. Morning. Yesterday, I opened my eyes to a stink bug on the corner of my pillow, looking at me. Today, I woke up to one IN MY HAND. Generally, I find about 3-7 under my sheets. You know how they say that you ingest 8 spiders per year in your sleep? I think about that every morning. I wretch Every. Single. Morning. 

The window next to wear I sit on the computer.

Their favorite camp out spot. This plant was thrown away today.

I start out my day with your average, everyday bug massacre. Not an everyday bug serial murderer kinda gal/lad? You would be if you had to check your slippers every morning before putting them on and rewash your coffee pot to rid of the dead assholes inside of it. I apologize for the language, they get me really worked up.

So this bug massacre....I only perform it in the room in which I sit because I couldn't possibly get all of them. There's just too many. This is my cup from this morning's massacre:

I continue killing throughout the day. Here is an example of what it looks like after a few hours:

WRETCH. Pardon me. 

So I said I would explain the "dish soap water in a cup" trick. These little f&%*ers won't die easy. If you crush them, the odor is vomit inducing. Plus, I can't touch them. Not even through a paper towel. They don't drown in plain water so you add dish soap to the water and they're screwed. It's their kryptonite. So every morning, I scoot carefully around, with my cup of dish soap water and a fork, and I scoop em in the cup. Several times, one has landed on me whilst I attempted to scoop it. When this happens, I involuntarily thrash my arms and run, causing spillage of stink bugs. Nothing like picking up a bunch of dead, soapy stink bugs to start off your day!

After I get all within reach (that I can see), I make a cup of coffee and get in some computer time while there isn't 100 of them flying around, knocking into me. 

Next is shower time. The idea of one of them landing on my naked body terrifies me beyond belief. SO, I do a clean sweep of the bathroom, shut the door, plug the bottom with a towel, and take the fastest shower in the history of shower taking. Once finished, I check my towel for stink bugs, dry off with the quickness, tie my hair up so they won't fly into it and get stuck, and clothe myself in pants and a long sleeved hoodie so that all areas of my body that can get covered up are covered well. 

Here I am, in my 'stink bug on skin' prevention attire. Not happy.

I then attempt the rest of my day without having a complete mental breakdown and passing out from anxiety. I had a full on sobfest yesterday from the stress. 

ONE thing I failed to mention....I don't own a car. I can't leave. I am stuck in this hellhole 24/7. I can't even walk out the door without being faced with hundreds of these jerks. 

 

Luckily, I have a roommate without entomophobia. She can pick em up with her bare hands, the little trooper. If it weren't for her, I would never sleep. She takes over for the nighttime routine. She rids my sheets of them, clears 5-10 from behind each picture in the room, inspects and cleans the curtains right next to my bed, and calms my nerves with her soothing speech. She is my favorite person in the world right now. 

To conclude... I called my doctor today to make an appointment. I won't leave that office without a prescription for Xanax. This evening, my roommate is going out of her way to scoop me up and bring me with her to the grocery store so that I can get a few minutes away from this place. This horrifying, satanic place. 

NOTE: I had to finish this blog entry outside. It got too bad. Here is what I uncovered when I got outdoors...

dress up.

2 of my 3 little birds and I did some dressing up this weekend. They're tired of the same ol' tattered and torn Cinderella and Belle dresses so we went through my closet and picked out their favorites. Emma has had her eye on my "ballerina dress" for ages and Olivia couldn't have been happier with my pearls. After a little tightening here and pinning up there, we set out for some front yard play time and picture taking. I love having little girls :)

september thrifty finds.

I've recently been going through a thrift store shopaholic stage. It's amazing what you can find and it's the most satisfying feeling buying something you love for under 5 bucks. I've visited about 8 thrift shops this month and while I bought a ton more than I'm showing, these are a few of my favorites. 

Nine West shoes $2 

picture frames $7

plates $4

mug $.50

winter slippers $2

Total spent: $15.50! This could get very addictive for my tiny little budget...